About Your Butt

If your hands have been anywhere near your butt...really, anywhere near your butt (including your ear) or near anyone else's butt or anywhere where butts have been or you have to prostitute yourself at night to get through this recession, please, dear god, WASH YOUR HANDS LIKE YOU WILL BE PERFORMING SURGERY. I'm serious, I'm going to get on my knees in front of you right now and beg and offer you whatever you want in exchange for your improved hygiene.

We are disgusting creatures. Poop is everywhere. Especially in bathrooms. Little tiny microscopic poops fly out of toilets and land on everything. And if your hands have even just unzipped your front fly and all you did was flush and open the door, you have everyone else's poop on your hands. I REPEAT: YOU HAVE OTHER PEOPLE'S POOP ON YOUR HANDS!!

My texts told me so. So I need you to believe me on this. Also, when I was a waitress, one of my many employers decided to call us all in and show us a video that demonstrated all the microscopic poo we deal with. The video was very graphic, so much so, that I just can't go into it. You have to go read The Pantsless Chef blog because that guy is going through actual culinary school and he shares one day where they use a UV light to show what is left on their hands after washing them. http://pantsless-chef.blogspot.com/2010/02/school-day-1-eww.html Besides that, it is just an awesome blog.

As for our butts, all I have to say is, Thank God our bodies are designed to deal with some level of microscopic poo. But really, truly, some of it is disease carrying toxic stuff. And I think we can both agree, that poo is not something we want to consume, even at microscopic levels.

So, if you are going to be preparing food for me, here is what you do, and I don't care if you went to the bathroom or you didn't, just do it:
1. Get the water as hot as you can stand it At least high fever temp, like 100 degrees.
2. Get a generous amount of soap to make a lather, act like you are going to shave or something
3. Wash your fingers and in between, and then wash like a doctor, up to your wrists and lower forearms. Use a nailbrush too. (I admit, I need to get a nailbrush as most of us don't use one, but really, we should).
4.  Wash long enough to sing Twinkle Little Star (not fast, just normal speed) - if you have some impatient ninny standing behind you, waiting to wash their hands, just tell them that you are going to be preparing their food - that oughtta stop their huffing and eye rolling.
5. DON'T TOUCH THE FAUCET AGAIN! That's just stupid. Think about it, you touched it with poop all over your hands (and so has everyone else), use a paper towel to turn off the water. If the owner of the bathroom has totally screwed you out of paper towels, then turn it off with your elbow or use your shirt - just not the fingers that will be preparing my food.
6. DON'T TOUCH THE DOOR HANDLE ON YOUR WAY OUT EITHER! Use a paper towel to open the door or stick your hand up in your sleeve and use your sleeved hand to open the door (your sleeve won't be chopping carrots so I'm not too worried about your sleeve having germs on it).

Okay, so have I made myself clear? You or someone else, is a loose hooker and just used the bathroom. It is full of disease. Yes, you should be scared. For you all scare me with your lackadaisical hand-rinsing ways and night-time activities. And if you come out of the bathroom w/out ever going near the sink, I'm sorry, we can't be friends and you will never hear from me again. People butts are gross.