Mourning The Loss of a Wonderful Man

This is supposed to be a food blog but I haven't been able to write about food for a while. Monday, I learned that a sweetheart of a friend throughout my school years - and later a boyfriend in the spring/summer of '94 - has passed. http://www.tributes.com/show/Fredric--Morriss-87977512

Though I lost touch with him, it was nice to reconnect with him on Facebook this past year. I was able to say hello to him and tell him how proud I was of his accomplishments as a professor of photography. Pictures of him and his girlfriend are so loving and beautiful, they looked like a perfect match - so in love and happy. That was Toby, optimistic and full of life and love. I was so immensely happy for him. It was nice to see him on his motorcycle, going on camping trips, taking pictures and having fun. Pictures of his Mom and Dad reminded me of many a school trip for which they chaperoned and later hosted parties for us teens by their big beautiful log cabin. He and his Dad and brother made spectacular camp fires. They played music and we all danced and talked and laughed under the stars and around the glow of the fire. His parents were there for all of us and loved Toby with all their hearts. Toby was a reflection of his gentle and loving parents. I truly cannot fathom the pain they must be feeling right now. My heart truly breaks for them.

My own profound sadness has caught me off guard. I haven't seen him in 15 years and wasn't expecting
to feel this way. But there is something about memories from our teens and twenties that (as a friend said to me) - are perfectly  seared and branded in our minds. And how true it is. My most poignant memory of him was when we were at All-State tryouts and I was anxious for the results, checking the bulletin board every 5 minutes and pacing the halls of the foreign school. He asked me to take a walk with him outside. As we walked, I talked about my anxiousness and should I have hit the notes this way or that way. Toby was anxious too but seemed more confidant in what the outcomes would be. He continued to walk, where I followed him to a nearby field. He stopped in the middle of it and asked me to lay on the bare grass on my back. He lay next to me and told me to look up in the sky and watch the clouds move. I was a little cold and hugged his arm in an effort to warm up. He took off his leather jacket and wrapped it around me and hugged me. I told him I didn't feel right wearing his jacket because he would get cold... but he insisted.

He sat up for a moment and fiddled with his Walkman, hitting the rewind button and stopping at just the right place on the tape. He gave me the headphones and asked me to listen to a song by Pink Floyd called "I Wish You Were Here." I knew immediately why he listened to this song. He was coping with the loss of a girl that died in his arms. And I was coping with my first love going away to college and never looking back. We both knew of the underlying sadness that plagued our souls. And we understood the drive and passion we had to be the best with whatever we approached, for it is what got us through our sorrows. "Keeping busy," we would often say to one another in between classes. And there we were, two anxious and sad people, laying on the grass, looking at the sky and comforting one another. I loved the smell of him and his leather jacket. The outside of it was cold upon my cheek, the inside of it was warm from his body. His hug was even warmer, so genuine and protective. He didn't expect anything from me except to just be there and let mother nature work her magic on bringing me to a state of calm. His hair and my hair blew in the wind while we just lay resting our anxious souls. We didn't talk about our troubles. The wind and music was enough to fill the air. We mentioned random stuff like shapes we saw in the clouds, how fresh the air smelled, how nice it was to just be there for each other.

We weren't out there too long. Just long enough to listen to the song and take in the lyrics. When he walked me (and my calmed state) into the hallway, he shared in my joy for having made 4th chair and I in his making it too. The news was so much better in our relaxed and more loved state of being. I never felt more thankful for his being there. It was the beginning of an oasis of companionship that we offered one another throughout our last year of high school and early years of college....and made similar memories to what I just shared with you. Shortly thereafter, I moved away from Oklahoma. When I left Oklahoma and everyone in it, including Toby, I never knew that it would be so hard to get back there or that so much time would pass before returning or that living there again would never be an option. Leaving is an action that fills me with regret in almost every aspect of my life. And the event of this man's death is just one of the many things that reminds me of that regret.

As for Toby, there is something really final and sad about knowing I will never see him again. I would have liked to have seen him again at his wedding or a class reunion or whatever would have caused our paths to cross again. I would have rather continued to watch his happiness unfold and see him continue to transform students into artists and touch the life of every person he ever knew. In his obituary, it says that "Toby loved well and was well loved." Never a statement could be more true.

Thank you all for bearing with me as I get through this unexpected sadness. I may try to attend the memorial in South Carolina on Saturday. I'm still looking at airfare and trying to decide if I can do it...I'm not sure at the moment.

I will be back to blogging about chef stuff soon enough. Thanks for listening and letting me ramble on about this wonderful man who was such a positive oasis of comfort and strength through some of the hardest parts of my life. I only ask that you send your thoughts and love and prayers to his Mom, Dad, Brother, Girlfriend and all those that are closest to him now.

With Love,
Michelle