Lofty Goals, Rules and My Last Apology for Cussing.

Girls and Gents, there is SO much to do! (I'm already overwhelmed!) But I think we are going to have a BLAST in our itsy bitsy tiny ass kitchens. I've created some initial objectives, thoughts and rules about the establishment of this institute.

What's important to note is that while I do like to be funny, I am also very serious about
learning what it takes to be a real chef. So, here are the goals:

1) LET'S BE STUDENTS TOGETHER! If you prefer to be a reader/observer, that's cool too. But I just wanted to invite you to go in on this crazy little adventure with me. I promise you'll get to wear a chef jacket from the very start! Here's how it's going to work: I set up the curriculum, course objectives, tests, evaluations, deadlines, etc. And you get the recommended textbook(s) and work right along with me. Read, practice, get feedback, give feedback. And if you are just as serious (and nuts) as I am, I'll just have to figure out a way to REALLY TEST and CERTIFY you - by whatever means available by our small damn kitchens.

2) Tuition Costs for The Culinary Institute of My Own Damn Kitchen: FREE.

The cost of the entertainment value I provide you when I document humiliating events such as burning my panties in a flambe' experiment (in a very public domain): You can repay me with your undying devotion and shameless promotion of my blog. Running through the streets naked and proclaiming your love of the CI of MODK is perfectly acceptable too.

Ancillary costs: You are gonna have to get your own damn books, equipment and food. I'll try not to recommend ridiculously high priced things like the $287 soup pot though. That's just crazy.

3) RULES for PARTICIPATION IN THE CULINARY INSTITUTE OF MY OWN DAMN KITCHEN: Be serious about learning Culinary Arts and following the protocol and lessons set forth in the curriculum. It's important that you learn from my mistakes. If you cut your god damn fingers off because you didn't pay attention to what the hell is going on in the CI of MODK blog, then you will be considered a total culinary failure. You can award your own un-official certification, but dude, if you can't cut butter with a knife, you ain't getting my blessing. Since I created this thing, it's mine and I will bless those who prove to me what I prove to you. May your God be with you when I drill you on knife skills. The whole point is to show "The Man" that we got REAL CHEF CHOPS without putting ourselves in utter financial ruin. Because, let's face it, some of us are 3/4 of the way there, right? Hang in there though, things will get better and we'll have fun learning while we wait on the economy.

4) READERS AND OBSERVERS: FYI, I cuss. I'm sorry, I can't help it. The kitchen just calls for it. And when one grows up with relatives that says things like "Well, that's like a cat covering his shit on marble" or "I have a wild hair up my ass to get me new stove" or "Well, shit, cha got more room in there now, dontcha?" in response to another person's healthy burp....my upbringing will lead me to use similar flavorful words and phrases whenever I need to make a point. Hey, it works! That's why somebody invented flavorful language.

I will TRY to limit the use of exceptionally bad words. Like the f word. I might sub the f word with f'n, effin or frenchin' but when partner students cut their god damn fingers off, it's important to note that the F word is very appropriate. Like WTF did you DO?!?!

I'm sorry! <---- NOTE: This is my first and last apology for cussing. :)

5) The word PEE-ON absolutely WILL be considered a four letter word of hell, damnation and mortal sin in the CI of MODK. I'm very bitter about being a former pee-on in the office and in life and finances. Holy shizbutter, I am just BURNED out on being a pee-on altogether! I mean, I might call you (or myself) a meat headed nincompoop who can't distinguish a genetically mutated potato from an ass - but you and I both know, that deep down, it is simply a term of endearment. I rest my case...it's about the sisterly and brotherly love in here. Though the term pee-on and a blog site full of loving people reminds me of a quote I saw in a facebook status: "Friendships are like peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it, but only you experience the warm feeling it brings."

Stay Tuned for more thoughts and/or assignments and Happy Damn Cooking!!

Love,
Michelle