Goal: Induce Blasphemous Praise of Roasted Chicken

Okay hellions, I have not mastered the roasted bird yet. Oh sure, I can put some seasonings on (and in) the bird and roast it and it tastes alright (if I don't give two craps about how to get dinner on the table as long as it gets there somehow). But I've never ever made a bird that made the chicken eater say "ohhhhh damn!!!" I have said "yum, good chicken" but I'm looking for the "Oh, Damn! This is is Good!" or "God Dammit! This is the BEST chicken I've EVER had!" or the ultimate blasphemous compliment: "Jesus' Muuuutha!! .......Woooooo Lorrrrrd!!! Oh HELL Yeah! Mmmmmmmmmmmm....."

Of course, as with anything, a self mastered cook goes for the gold, the reaction that goes something like this:


Eater: (takes bite) "Ohhhh..." closes eyes and then looks up to the heavens while chewing and then closes eyes again and say "Ohh.." (again - because they cannot find the words).
Cook: "You like it?"
Eater: (takes another bite) "Ohhh, GYAWD! Cook!! (or whatever cook's name is)" ... (chews .....swallows)... "Holeeeeeeee Sh**."
Cook (aka self admitted Narcissist): beams and says,"Yay! I'm so glad you like!"
Eater: (devours bird)... "hold on.....I can't talk"... (chews, swallows slowly)....(fans themselves)......(takes another bite)... (lets out a gutteral mooaaaannnn)...."oh....dear.....looooooooorrrrrrd!"...."what's my name?"...."jeeeeeeesus"......(chews)......"where am I?".....(chews more).... (swallows).....(eyes roll back)
Cook: "Take your time." (wears deviant smile and observes eater setting aside all pride while eating like a starved escapee or worse...oh, you know what I mean by "worse.")
Eater finishes the entire bird until there is nothing but a drumstick left, then looks at you as if you just blew their mind. They cannot walk because the sheer awesomeness of the delicious roasted chicken has taken the strength from their knees and left them in a post meal stupor. They collapse on the coach to contemplate on returning to normal brain functioning (if it's even possible).
Cook: "Would you like more?"
Eater is speechless and can do nothing but hold tummy, shake their head and put their hand up in a "talk to the hand" sort of way and say "I want to.......I....just...... oh, god....how much is left? .....wait.....no.....I can't....my belly is going to explode."

Cook feels victorious at the eater's display of gluttony. Cook goes to eat the leftover drumstick and something similar happens to where the cook finds themselves on the couch next to the eater. Cook and eater are watching the Daily Show but are barely able to pay attention to Jon Stewart's fantastic wit among the intermittent patting of bellies and satisfied sighs. Eater looks at Cook and says, "I think I need a cigarette."

Yep, this is how good I need to make this chicken. Can I do it? I don't know, but it will be fun to try.

There are as many ways to roast a chicken as I've heard there is (according to a popular southern saying) "to skin a cat." (By the way, I have no idea where that saying originated but it is southern and my Mom says it a lot so it must be true.) There is dry roasted, wet roasted, crock pot roasted, partially grill roasted and even a beer up the butt roasted chicken. And at least a hundred more ways to flavor it.

I have an organic chicken in the fridge and some fresh thyme and butter, so I'll start with the simplest methods for seasoning and roasting. I know I usually complain about spending extra money on fresh herbs or how some recipes insist on it, but for the effect I mentioned above, I decided to spring for the extra buck seventy nine as the pairing of chicken with fresh thyme is really a beautiful flavor combination.

As an endeavor, roasted chicken is pretty easy to make but getting the skin perfectly browned and crispy, the seasoning balanced just right and the meat tender and juicy while making sure nothing is underdone, is key for greatness. Dinnertime is right now, so I must get to work. I will let you know if I have achieved anything close to blissful roasted chicken.

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