Lettuce Eating Gone Hog Wild!!

For ONE freaking day, it has stopped raining and the springtime sun has bestowed its grace upon us. Thank God! I'm praying for drought this summer. We are so soaked up here that we're almost waddling and paddling. Before you know, we won't even speak English...we'll just QUACK and have dunk offs.

Anyway, food, let's talk about food. You know I've been all up in my kitchen with the pig and the green stuff. I had myself a ball at Trader Joe's the other day and went nuts with the produce and picked up some bacon. If there is ever a way to be more one with the earth, it is to eat your way through it. Nothing says "Spring" like stuffing your mouth full of baby greens coated lightly with the sweet brilliance of fresh honey mustard and crushing it all with your molars.

I know too that I look pretty effing ridiculous eating like that. But really,
is eating salad a pretty thing for anyone? You know you can never make those leaves "bite-sized." Oh, you THINK you can. But tearing or cutting salad leaves is like shopping for a new TV in a warehouse club. The 63" TV looks like a nice normal size at Sam's Club, but when you bring it home, you find that your entire 9 ft living room wall is not enough to hold it. That's about how preparing salad works. Something about the counter makes bites of leaves appear smaller than they actually are. Which bring us to the primal way we become when eating salad. In fact, we might as well forgo all the niceties. Next time you're in the mood for salad, just grab entire head of romaine by the bottom, dunk the leaves in a vat of dressing and just take huge bites of laden lettuce. Hell, take massive bites out of the side, the bottom, the top. Your mouth should looks like it's sprouting it's own garden. Your chewing action should be circular, like that of a bear that just dump a bunch of apples into his face.

Take it even further and make some neanderthal noises. In fact, you SHOULD be making neanderthal noises because you will be making sumptuously delicious dressing from the land of milk and honey. It will be so biblical, that the Lord himself with etch a new chapter about your delicious dressing in rock on the side of a mountain. You should go into the land, wearing nothing but burlap, using romaine as an extremely large paintbrush with which to paint your face with dressing. Devour with ferocity! As such, you shall be inspired to hold up the vat of dressing to the Gods and do some sort of ritualistic drum dance with wild head shaking. Then you shall pass the bowl around and pour more dressing on your head and face and wherever else it happens to land. Pluck another head of lettuce from the ground from which it hath been born...scrape the dressing from your skin and rip the tender bib from its leaf...for it is the Holy Grail which thou doth hath the divine dressing!! 'Tis The Holy Grail of Spring's bringing to bear the Wild Bears in all of us. ROAR!!!

Whew! (Snap!) I think I just went into a little salad nirvana in my head a little bit there. Really, there is nothing better than a homemade bleu cheese dressing or a honey mustard dressing. I'm going to share the recipes below and I want you to promise me you'll have a ball in the kitchen and forever boycott the devil in the bottle. For it is crap filled with chemicals that bring hell to your body.

Bleu Cheese:

6-8 oz blue cheese crumbled up
1/3 cup buttermilk
1 garlic clove, minced
1/2 cup sour cream
1/4 cup mayonaise
2 Tbsp white wine vinegar (or 1 Tbsp regular white vinegar)
1/2 tsp sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp fresh cracked pepper

Combine all of the ingredients making sure to mash up the cheese with a fork. Store 3-4 days in the fridge (if it even lasts that long)

Honey Mustard Dressing

1/3 cup dijon mustard
1/3 cup honey
1/3 cup apple cider vinegar
3-4 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil

Whisk all together and enjoy. Store for 5-6 days in the fridge.

If you don't like either of these dressings, I implore you (on my knees) to find a recipe for your favorite kind and go to the trouble of making it. I purposely left off the dressing in the picture so you can imagine your favorite kind on top. You know what they say, you eat with your imagination first!

Enjoy your Holy Days of Resurrection while I create some other concoction in the Kitchen of my Damnation.

With Love, Spirits and Divine Devotion,

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2 Response to "Lettuce Eating Gone Hog Wild!!"

  1. Toni says:

    ROFLMAO-you are so freaking hilarious.......

    I sense a bit of salad catharsis here! And ... seriously, there can NEVER be too many wonderful recipes for bleu cheese dressing... or Caesar Salad dressing either! Your bleu cheese will be tried in oour house this week. We, too, are having spring greens mania strike! Woot! Woot!

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