Regrouping for 2012

Okay people. I haven't been here for a year. Sorry about that. It was a roller coaster ride of year, most of which was more down than up. Bye 2011 and screw off please. Don't come back. Again. Ever. (Okay, the good parts are allowed back.)

I have to fess up that I haven't really known what to do with myself since the great layoff a little over two years ago. I haven't known what to do about my marriage or what to do about my career. I was all gung ho to go to a famous culinary school, damn the $100K debt, but my wise husband said "maybe you shouldn't rack up that much debt without being sure you can be a star chef out of the gate." Read: Gun shots in sails. To which I replied "Damn baby! Why you gotta do that to me?" Grrr.. But he's right. This is the dynamic going on in our house. He didn't become successful by doing stupid things. He is the smart, patient, slow turtle and I'm the idiot fast hare. But now...
um, well, I'm listening more. I have not always made the best decisions with that gung ho spirit. Some say I should, some say I shouldn't. All I know is that I'm mired in my past and looking upon it makes me a little more fearful now. Given the state of our union, I don't think that's a bad thing.

My husband and I get along pretty good, we love our child, life looks alright. From a distance, life should be good. But take a microscope to that and some interesting and bizarre things are happening. I've accepted it. And perhaps it is more me than anyone. This blog isn't about letting out all of my personal issues, and I'm certainly not going to divulge the details here, but I think it helps to know why the heck your author has been intermittent and inconsistent. You are just going to have to go along for the ride though, that is, if you want to keep reading. I have gone through some sort of fundamental changes over the last couple of years that are likened to a major crack in a foundation of a very tall building. Said tall building has collapsed and I'm putting it back together in some sort of artistic goth structure. It is still a work in progress but I've learned a lot about myself over the past two years and I'm chalking it up to a positive thing.

I'll be honest, I still don't know what to do with myself, but one thing is a constant: cooking is therapy for me and so is blogging about it. If you are reading, that's great but note that this is more for me than anyone. If it helps you to relate in some way, or my cooking techniques offer something helpful to you, that will be a side benefit. All in all, I've decided to stop swimming and just float and see where the current takes me. I think I've been running upstream all of my life and it is time to just relax, look at the sky and see where the world wants me to go. I'm lucky and grateful to my husband who has the good job that can support me while I try everything. I'm selling things, I'm playing my instrument, I'm writing, knitting, taking pictures, painting, I'll even be going to school shortly for something (I don't know yet, science something - I love science, I'm considering pharmacy since it pays well) ... I'm doing everything I love to do in hopes that one day something pays off. This is the mind of an ADD OCD artistic type. But one very important thing I've learned... I'm more science than I thought. I'm a perfectionist in a very big way. I HAVE to know, and it MUST be correct... or at least as close to correct or perfect as possible. Perfect is unquantifiable, but my version of perfect is the most pleasurable artistic outcome possible. Goal: apply science to art. This is me and this is all of you. Science and art are not really a separate thing. And it has only taken me twenty something years to figure this out. I should have never listened to the voices that said artist don't make good scientists. Why is this such a popular train of thought? It's total bullshit. You need reason and formulas and patterns and chemistry and numbers and physics to create things of beauty of pleasure.

So, this blog is about demonstrating that with food. Food can be science, art and also, for me, therapy. That is how I intend to present it; which, for the most part, I think I've already done in the legitimate posts I have created thus far. And by the way, I'm STILL trying to figure out how to make the best chicken ever. Yeah, yeah, I need to get back on that.

Another thing that has changed. I have a long list of allergies and food intolerances to deal with in my household. I won't write about it much here. I changed my blog description which should suffice enough for explanation...although I plan on doing a migraine article soon as I believe it can be of tremendous help to sufferers. However, contending with all of these food restrictions really means one thing: going back to raw ingredient cooking which is at the heart of all chef cooking anyway. Yes, I'm forced to make my own pizza dough with alternative flours. Yes, I have to make my own pesto out of flat leaf parsley or basil. And really, I absolutely  have to make my own broths, sauces, salad dressings and flavor combinations. What does that mean? I'm still learning to do it from scratch and do it right. The boys here are very picky so this should work in your favor as I won't publish anything that isn't freaking amazing.

I STILL must lean upon the textbooks and teachings of culinary professionals in order to prepare food in this fashion. I bypass most of the center isles in the grocery store. I have to omit  ingredients that are not raw (read: company effed-with food items), which reminds me of something my husband often says: "When you eff with nature, it effs you back." How true this has been with us and what we eat.

Additionally, I have to avoid Whole Foods altogether now because I can't freaking afford it.I occasionally go back for things I just can't get anywhere else but for the most part, that place is NOT budget friendly. Oh, I'd love to go. And I do believe in the principle of paying for higher quality food. But I just simply can't.

Also, this blog won't be totally gluten/wheat free. I only have to cook that way for my son but my husband and I can still eat wheat, so you'll still see some wheat based things in here.

I hope you enjoy my journey and can benefit in some way from my handling of challenges and using food as therapy. Thank you for reading and hi, 2012, I'm baaaaaaa-aaaack!!! :-D